Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.