My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Krampus.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.