Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
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I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie