Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party