Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
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[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived