I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…