the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
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Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email