me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Saw online –
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.