Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
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Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?