COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
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genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
good work, detective
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”