*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
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Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
that wasn’t the question
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.