12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
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I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
BETRAYAL
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I can’t wait!
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.