My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
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[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
time for some seasonal decor