In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
You Might Also Like
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
i’m sure it’s fine
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now