One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
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Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
tinder is all about the long game
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan