Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
When you kidnap a writer.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁