When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
me after drinking all the wine:
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.