Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
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Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
That eye roll….
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?