Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit