*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
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HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.