Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer