I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?