60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Breaking news:
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I enjoy a good short stor
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came