Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
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*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!