No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
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Botany good plants lately?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries