Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
You Might Also Like
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
This is amazing.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.