Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
look at me when i’m typing to you
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.