I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
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Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime