[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
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I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.