Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.