I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
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Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*