normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad