If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
You Might Also Like
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: