I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
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sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Sign at work today
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?