I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
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I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
favorite tropes as memes
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.