robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
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An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.