Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
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“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
reminder
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Netflix and you sit over there.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
<—- homeless romantic
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I’m not lazy