ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
You Might Also Like
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.