Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
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I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Camping tip: No.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males