GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
You Might Also Like
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”