Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
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date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!