Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
his wife is probably gonna see that
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”