My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
S/o to @funTweeters .
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out