Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
S M O L
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks