They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
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Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
just having fun
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves