Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
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[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.