*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
mumsnet is amazing
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Okey dokey.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?