I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
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My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I think they could have phrased this better
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.