Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
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I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
not seeing the problem