My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band